The Raven vs Ace Attorney

Once upon a trial dreary, while I pondered Wright’s new theory,
And the Judge’s open mouth gave out a long-forgotten snore —
While Wright prodded, clearly bluffing, suddenly there came a huffing,
As of someone weirdly puffing, puffing at the courtroom door.
“It’s a listener,” I muttered, “huffing at the courtroom door —
Only this, and nothing more.”

Ah, quite vaguely I’m recalling it was when the leaves were falling;
And a stalling Wright was trying to engage in courtroom war.
Constantly I was contending; — desperately he was defending

A client who was pretending — pretending to be Lenore —
But the rash and reckless man with whom I share a famed rapport? —
Lamely grasping at a straw.

And the simple, sad, unsubtle blustering of each forced rebuttal
Bored me — poured me with lethargic torpors never felt before;
But yet now, to stop me banging on my desk, I kept concluding
“It’s a listener intruding rudely at the courtroom door —
Just a listener intruding rudely at the courtroom door; —
This it is, and nothing more.”

By and by my rage did smoulder; taking things upon my shoulder,
“Sir,” said I, “or Madam, duly your compliance I adjure;

For the fact is we’re in session, and so close to a confession,
And so ask for your concession, cession at the courtroom door,
That the trial can continue” — here I cast aside the door; ⸺
Empty air, and nothing more.

Blackly at that blankness staring, long I stood there thundering, glaring,
Blinking, thinking things no lawyer ever had to think before;
But there still was no replying, no shrill caterwaul or crying,
And so I was left supplying all the noises as I swore.
This I whispered, and an echo murmured back curse words galore! —
Merely this, and nothing more.

Back into the courtroom walking, stopping short of stiffly stalking,

Soon again I heard a squawking somewhat like a corvid’s caw.
“Surely,” said I, “surely that is something at the courtroom entrance;
Let me see, then, what is causing this loud noise that I deplore —
Let my eyes divine the source of this foul voice that I abhor; —
It’s a fool, and nothing more!”

Open here I threw the portal, when, by cue of chirp and chortle,
In there flew a bloody Raven through the wooden double door;
Not the least objection made he; for a second stopped and swayed he;
Then, with mien of that Byrde lady, perched above the Judge’s maw —
Perched upon his pate of baldness just above his chambered jaw —
Perched, and sat, and nothing more.

Then this outsized crow inspiring tired neurons into firing,
I retired to my desk and there inquired of this boor,
“Though you seem to be quite witless, you,” I said, “might be a witness,
For a parrot known as Polly had to take the stand before —
State your name and occupation by decree of courtroom law!”
Quoth the Raven, “Nevermore.”

How I gaped at this ungodly beast to hear it speak so oddly,

Though its statement little reason — little testimony bore;

For there cannot be much gleaning from a word with such a meaning

That it touched on contravening, so it seemed the bird forswore —

And whoever heard of either bird or even troubadour

With a name like “Nevermore”?

But the Raven, nesting snugly on the Judge’s head, sat smugly
Like a bug, as if his bed were made of spider-silk and straw.
Nothing further then he spouted — not a feather then he strouted —
Till I scarcely less than shouted, “May we know a little more? —
If you cannot bear to say it, pray then show us what you saw.”
Quoth the Raven, “Nevermore.”

Staggered at the silence shattered by reply so raptly chattered,
“Witness,” said I, “what you spout is doubtless poppycock, I’m sure,
Learned from some ill-omened owner who through manner of a moaner
Became lone and then a loner till from life she did withdraw —
Till she could no longer cope and her own life she did withdraw
With a ‘Never — nevermore’.”

But the Raven still inciting my frustration into fighting,
Soon I realised that biting on my lip had made it raw;
Then, upon the desktop leaning, I stood looking at it preening
Feather unto feather, cleaning what sprang forth from every pore —
What this glib, ungodly, ghostly, gauche, and oddest bird did gnaw
Whilst yet choking “Nevermore.”

Thus my ire kept on growing, but I tried to keep from showing
All the fire that was glowing deep inside my very core;
Thus I slowly took to musing that if Wright or I were choosing,
Would the bird we should be using be that parrot from before?
But that crimson-coloured parrot that could not be a macaw,
He shall press, ah, nevermore!

Then I thought the air grew tenser, even with my unkeen sensor,
And I guessed that the defense now shared my sentiments so sore.
“Wright,” I cried, “your witness, take it — with your pressing, you must break it!

Best it — lest it wrest my case and then fly right out of the door;
Stop, just stop its strange refrain and make it testify once more!”
Quoth the Raven, “Nevermore.”

“Witness!” said Wright, “testimony! — witness still, if bird or phony! —
Whether jester sent, or whether Justice brought a guarantor,
Tiresome yet quite excited, to this age of law benighted —

To this court by Karma blighted — tell me truly, I implore —
Is there — is there proof she’s guilty? — tell me — tell me, I implore!”
Quoth the Raven, “Nevermore.”

“Witness!” said Wright, “testimony! — witness still, if bird or phony!

By the sacred scales of Themis — by the Goddess of the law —
Tell this court with concrete diction if there is no contradiction
That there should be no conviction for my client named Lenore —
If there should be just conviction that my client’s named Lenore.”
Quoth the Raven, “Nevermore.”

“Oh my word, what mischief-making, bird of grief!” — the Judge, awaking —

“Feel the wrath of Lady Justice and the long arm of the law!

Leave no trace of your existence and make haste without resistance!

Leave this place at my insistence! — clear some space now — there’s the door!
Take your face out of my court, and don’t dare come here anymore!”
Quoth the Raven, “Nevermore.”

So the Raven, as is fitting, now is sitting, now is sitting
On a polished bit of plywood just above the courtroom door;
And his eyes are all-unseeing, for he’s not a living being,
And I cannot help agreeing he’s much better than before;
And those wings so full of feathers that were fluttered heretofore
Shall be lifted — nevermore!